This probably seems like a strange title, especially following the generally upbeat nature of most of my posts. I've just been observing people, I guess lately, but also for a long time; there are things I see, patterns that so many people seem to follow, and on one hand, I don't understand it, while on the other hand I think I do. Either way, it's something I feel strongly about, so I felt the need to write about it.
It started today when the following statement popped into my head:
The worst prisons, and the ones from which escape is most difficult, are those that are locked from the inside.
Hence, the title "internal prisons". As human beings, we tend to place ourselves in bondage of all kinds, mental, or emotional, that limit us externally, but have their root and origin in our own minds, and which are not at all imposed on us directly by any external source. We actually choose them ourselves, and choose to remain in them; it's probably one of those things about human nature that will never fully make sense.
A lot of things could qualify under this category, though I don't want to exhaustively go over each one. But they're worth mentioning. One is fear. Fear of failure, fear of looking stupid, fear of losing what we have. Fear of entering new territory, going out on a limb, fear of entering the unknown. Fear of rejection, of "bothering" people by reaching out to them and getting to know them.
Once you take a step forward, however, you realize something you wish you had known all along: that the fear you always felt was never a reflection of reality at all. That fear of people being annoyed with you, for example, is something with which I used to be well acquainted. But in the end, the root was an insecurity that originated in the depths of my own mind. Sure, it may have begun with a bad experience with someone, but there will always be some people who act in such a way that diminishes our view of the entire human race. We just have to make the decision to not allow that to happen. The big picture is quite different; there are people out there who love unconditionally, who build up rather than tear down, who enjoy being around you and value who you are. Sometimes you have to go out on a limb to find them, venture into unfamiliar territory, meet new people. I've been fortunate enough to have an experience exactly like this, and it's always worth it.
But anyway, that's not the particular type of prison I had in mind when I began this. I was thinking more of a type of self-inflicted chains that's a little more difficult to express in a simple way. I'm referring to the unhealthy relationships we have with other people. It could be any type of relationship; siblings, parents and children, friends, spouses, or anything in between. And I think it's fueled by a twisted view of what love is.
Love is NOT giving someone else whatever they want. It's NOT sacrificing everything for them, regardless of whether or not it's actually good for them. It's not giving them everything at the expense of your own sanity and well-being. These things are far from real love, but too often, we can't tell the difference.
I understand the concept of being selfless, that love is sacrifice, that it's placing the other person's needs as a priority over your own. But something in our human nature compels us to take this much farther than it was ever intended to go...to our detriment. We exhaust ourselves in order to pour everything we have into someone else, even though they have an inner wound that sucks dry any attempts at filling them up. The result is an endless cycle, leaving the first person emotionally and mentally exhausted, and the second person no better off than they were before. Sometimes stepping away is the most loving thing we can do for someone, and the only way anyone can experience real healing.
What is it that makes us give and give and give, even past the point at which we know that what we're giving is not beneficial to ourselves or the other person? In the end, is that really love? Or is it a reflection of an inner insecurity, a desire to feel better about ourselves, to feel like we're doing something good? Real love must be rational. It works to discover what is truly best for someone, and then does it. So simple, yet so complicated!
In the end, I think it's all about having an accurate sense of our own worth. And realistically, how many of us actually have this? More likely we see ourselves through the eyes of those who have the most contempt for us, and the least respect! Why do we choose the opinions of these as our standard? Why not our Creator, who knows us far better than they do, as well as those who actually care enough to take the time to know us in the first place? I'm willing to bet that the people who put us down the most don't really know us at all.
I think we get ourselves in these situations because we have such difficulty navigating the boundary between giving and sacrificing for the good of others, and going completely too far by neglecting our own well being and denying the immense worth that we each have. We don't owe it to ANYONE to allow them to drain us completely dry and then just demand more, more, more. It's ironic that while "no" is often the first word a child learns, it's also very often one of the hardest words for us to actually learn to use!
While I don't understand this tendency completely, it's something I continue to make an effort to understand. And more often than not, it comes from wounds from our past, even the distant past. Perhaps rejection, or abuse, or loneliness, anything that gives us a twisted view of ourselves, of how much worth we really have, and that drives us to voluntarily enter into something destructive, when we deserve so much better!
And that leads me to what, I think, is ultimately the solution, although I know it's not quite that simple: for people to understand and accept their amazing value. This what I would like to tell people: You are unique; you're NOT in any way just another girl, just another guy. There are things about you, personality traits, the way you see the world, the things you love and enjoy, and especially what you have to offer, that NO one else in the world can match. The feeling that you have nothing to offer is a self-fulfilling prophecy: the more you believe it, the less you'll actually offer. Take a risk, put yourself out there, because you and everyone around you will be better because of it.
But with that understanding of your own value comes an ongoing need: never allow yourself to forget the value you have! Don't settle for someone who deliberately ignores that value. There will always be people in our lives who take and take, but never give. And I'm not saying completely cut them out of our lives. But it's a mistake to surround ourselves primarily with this type of person. You're NOT here simply for someone else's entertainment. You have NO obligation to make anyone happy, or "fix" them!
Instead, surround yourself primarily with people who recognize and acknowledge your true value. I promise they're out there...they're waiting for you, looking for you. And sometimes, honestly, they're found in the most unlikely places.
Finally, hold out for those who will love you with a mature love, a love that accurately reflects your value, that challenges you and inspires you to become everything you were born to be and everything you want to be, that helps you to look into the mirror each morning and be able to truly say that you love yourself. In the end, it's when we're able to love and take care of ourselves, that we will best be able to love and take care of others. When we neglect ourselves, and deny our true worth and value, everyone loses.
I think the term "internal prison" is fitting, because while we can all help in some way, by reaching out to people and loving them, in the end, we make our own choices. We choose to give too much. We choose to do things that aren't good for ourselves or anyone else. And it's something that we have to choose to leave behind, from the inside. There's nothing like the fresh air you discover once you unlock the door and come out!
