Expression

     I've decided to make my first post a sort of introduction to just about everything I post subsequently. The title of this post reflects that anything written is a form of expression, and, as I'll soon explain, it is a combination of my strong desire and lack of ability to effectively express myself that prompted my decision to write a blog in the first place.
     Before I continue, I feel the need to clarify my use of the term "expression." I mean it as a verb, not a noun. In other words, I mean "to express", rather than an expression that someone might say.
     As you will learn quickly if you continue to read future posts, I tend to over-analyze absolutely everything; it's how I gain an (admittedly) limited understanding of the world. In order to analyze the meaning and application of the word "expression", I'll use a metaphor. Jets, of course, differ from airplanes with propellers by utilizing a different method of propulsion. A jet takes in air at the front of the aircraft, mixes it with fuel internally, and then blows the exhaust out the back, pushing the jet forward through the air. In life, we intake information through our five senses; that's the air intake at the front of the jet. Next, we process that information in our minds by thinking about it, analyzing it, interpreting it, reflecting on it, and reacting to it, all through the influence and guidance from whatever mental framework we have developed throughout our lives thus far from experiences; that's the internal mixing of the fuel and air. The exhaust coming out of the back of the jet is, of course, expression. With that in mind, my perspective on the concept of expression is as follows..
     Expression is a method used to communicate thoughts, feelings, and emotions. These thoughts, feelings, and emotions are the result of external information entered into our brains, and they occur within our heads. Obviously, no one else is able to see exactly what's going on inside our own heads. Therefore, we must rely on some form of expression to communicate those internal things to others. And that expression can take several forms:

   1. Verbal Expression (communication using words)
    2. Non-verbal Expression (body language, actions, the way we dress, etc.)
    3. Musical/artistic/other forms of Expression (expression of feelings and emotions through musical composition or improvisation, artwork, or any other method not specifically mentioned)

With all this in mind, I can now return to one of my original points: I am not very skilled at expressing myself.
     However, as soon as I've made this statement, I must clarify that it's not entirely true, at least in the form in which it's currently stated. People who know me know that I'm a fairly "blank" person. In other words, it's difficult to deduce what I'm thinking/feeling unless I state it explicitly. And I rarely ever state it explicitly. I grew up all these years believing somewhat that I'm simply an unemotional person who mainly operates under the influences of logic and rationality. But over time, I came to realize that, in fact, the opposite was true; in fact, I feel a great deal, and I often experience emotions that are as deep as I ever could have imagined they might be. The problem was simply that I had great difficulty expressing the thoughts and feelings occurring in my head. To put it another way, the air was entering the jet just fine, and the internal mixing of reaction and pondering of the input was fine as well. The problem was in the exhaust. Somewhere in the process of actually expressing what was in my head, there was a difficulty in translation. And there could be (and probably are) many reasons for this, but while I may write about them in the future, at the present moment, we won't worry about it. We'll just accept that I felt and thought many things and simply had difficulty expressing them outwardly.
    But here I return to my point about clarifying that that statement isn't entirely true. In fact, I discovered over time, I'm actually very good at expressing myself. The problem I have is that I'm not good at expressing myself verbally. And anyone who has had a conversation with me can testify to this fact. True, sometimes I speak without difficulty, but often it's only with the people with whom I'm the most comfortable. Otherwise, I experience many difficulties. My main problem is the inconsistency of the speed of my brain and my mouth, a problem that caused me to stutter when I was young. My brain moves at a pace that makes it difficult for my mouth to keep up, and as a result, my mouth stumbles all over itself, often making me sound like a complete idiot when I'm speaking (and please note that I mainly find it humorous that I have such difficulties...I'm certainly not whining about it). Sometimes I still stutter briefly. I also hesitate, speak in an awkward way, and even mispronounce words (usually because my brain, being ahead of my mouth, causes me to try to say multiple words at once). This problem has led me to plan out conversations in advance when I deemed them especially important; otherwise, I might end up forgetting everything I needed to say, and I certainly couldn't count on the shaky partnership between my mouth and brain to salvage what's left of the conversation at that point. At times I've actually practiced a conversation in my head for an entire week or two before actually having it.
    My point in saying all that is that, having realized my deficiency in verbal communication, rather than simply settle for it, I've put much effort into mastering other forms of expression, such as non-verbal and musical, to make up for my pitiful verbal skills (and I may write more about that some time in the future). But in addition to that, over time, I've come to realize that I've also learned to exploit a loophole that allows me to claim proficiency in the verbal category of expression as well. You see, under my categorization, writing is a type of verbal communication! And through many years I've developed my writing ability quite a bit, particularly through a diary that I kept since age 10.
    The problem with a diary, however, is that it's likely that no one else will ever see it. A blog, however, solves that problem. I find writing easier and more effective than speaking because I can take my time and think as much as I want before anyone ever encounters what I'm saying. As I look at the screen in front of me, I see a "save" button next to the "publish" button, enabling me to save this entire blog and work on it and review it later before publishing it (and I'm quite sure I'm going to do that).
    And that is my main purpose for writing a blog: to express myself in the most effective way. Expression, in the end, is an outlet resulting from a reactions to and thoughts and feelings about input. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that outlet of this type is essential for all of us to maintain a reasonable level of sanity. I don't just like to write... I need to write. And this is one of the reasons I'm often so wordy when I write, as well as the reason that I usually write so much: I don't often have the luxury of adequately expressing myself by speaking, so I make up for it later with pen and paper (or keyboard and computer).

My last point to make is that I do have one fear; the thought of people reading my expressions and learning about all the strange and interesting things that go on inside my head is indeed exciting. But in my very practical and often pessimistic mind, the chances of very many people ever stumbling upon this page seem slim. And that's just half the battle; how many of those who actually do visit my page will actually have the patience to read through such long posts, or care enough about the things I'm saying to continue reading? In other words, will it be worth it, in the end, to write a blog at all?
    This question/fear has stopped me for a very long time from writing. But I guess I finally realized that with so many things in life, you just can't make half an effort. You either give it everything you have, or you don't do it at all. Either 0%, or 100%. So I've decided to go for broke. Perhaps I'll spend hours writing all these things and no one (or very few) will ever read them. But I might as well do my best, put my heart into it, and see what happens. After all, we fail 100% of the attempts we don't make. With that perspective, I have nothing to lose.

    If you read this, I hope that you enjoyed it, and I look forward to expressing myself and sharing my inner thoughts in the future. Hopefully I will be able to be a small part of brightening someone's day, filling in the boring in-between moments that we all have sometimes, or helping people to think more deeply about the world around them. And along the way, maybe I'll even help people to better understand me as well.